Overwatch: Bastion Wakes Up in Australia
by Megan1289
Summary: Joke fic! For some reason, Bastion is in Australia and stumbles across our favorite junkers.


Junkrat was tired of walking. Period. He was tired of the sound of his footsteps. Tired of the sound of Roadhog's footsteps. Tired of that irritating clink and clack of that stupid chain hook that the brute carried. Tired, tired, tired, tired-

"GaaAAH!" He cried out. "Enough! Just stop!"

And, like that, the trodding stopped. He turned around. Roadhog stood there, huffing in and out like the pig he was.

"Let's sit down for a little, shall we?" said Junkrat. "Under this tree thing here."

Roadhog went over to a clear spot of ground than sat. Junkrat found a small rock near him. They sat in silence.

"Water?"

It took Junkrat a second to process that Roadhog had said anything at all.

"Yeah. Gimme."

Roadhog undid the canteen on his belt, opened it, then handed it over. Junkrat looked inside and started chugging it. He spit out some at the end.

"Bleh. How many times have I told you to wash this thing? It tastes like. . . never mind, I don't want to say that out loud." He gagged.

Roadhog huffed and said nothing. He held out a hand. Junkrat handed the bottle back. More silence.

"What are we going to do now?" Junkrat wondered out loud.

No response.

"What we've got's. . . actually, what don't have a whole lot do we? What do we not have? Oh, right, no Junkertown, no gold, no shelter, no food, no nothing! Nothing nothing nothing! And whose fault is that?"

Roadhog looked intently. Junkrat paused.

"YOURS! It's your fault. None of this would have happened if you hadn't screwed it up!" He finally said, before looking down again.

He put his head in his hands. The only sound was that of Roadhog's big, loud breathing. It was getting raspier by the second.

"Take a drink, you big lug!" Junkrat sat up. "Have some of that sparkle juice of yours."

Roadhog huffed, then reached behind. He pulled out a dirty tin can, shook it up a bit, then pressed it against his mask, inhaling deeply.

Junkrat sighed. "Let's get moving again. Hopefully, we'll find a place by nightfall. If only someone weren't so slow."

Roadhog said nothing, then lifted himself of the ground. Junkrat jumped up.

And they walked.

* * *

"Gorge. Ahead."

"Oh, is that what you see?" Junkrat replied. "Great. A change in elevation. How wonderful. I'm already tired of walking and this has been flat the whole time!"

Roadhog waited until he was finished. "Water."

"We're out of water-! Wait, are you saying there might be water down there?"

"River."

"Oooooh, I see. Yes, let's go down and get some water."

The descent down the gorge side was steep. There were several drop offs and lots of rocks, large and small. It was a miracle Roadhog didn't start an avalanche. The river down at the bottom wasn't very deep, and it was a muddy brown. Trees and bushes, at least what remained of them, were rooted on the banks.

They reached the bottom of the gorge and pushed through the dead limbs of the trees.

"This is great. Just great. Look at this sludge! It isn't fit to drink!"

Roadhog knelt down by the edge and started scooping the water up into his canteen. Then he began to fill multiple cans.

"Ugh, whatever." Junkrat sat down and started helping with the task.

They filled for a little while, then sat in the the sort-of-shade of the mostly bare trees. Junkrat sighed.

"Now we have to climb back out." He said, getting up.

Roadhog got up too.

"I go first! That way, when you make the entire cliff collapse I'm not on the bottom. Then-"

"Quiet."

"What? Anyway, as I was-"

Roadhog clamped a hand over Junkrat's mouth. He mumbled and spat, but the hand stayed firmly clamped. He grew quiet.

On listening in, he found that he _could_ hear something. Something like the sound of splashing. Something was coming up the river. Something big.

"Hide?" Junkrat whispered.

"Hide."

They ran for the nearest rock, one that was big enough for both of them to hide behind.

The splashing came nearer. Junkrat strained to look through the tangle of dead branches surrounding the river. Splash. Splash. Splash.

"Shh, shh!" Junkrat whispered. Adrenaline coursed through him.

And through the bushes, they glimpsed a flash of metal. Then another, soon enough they could make out a head, and a body, and a-

"Crikey-!"

Roadhog clamped his mouth shut again.

". . .is a basion. . ." Junkrat tried to mumble through his hand.

Roadhog let go.

"A Bastion!" Junkrat whispered. "That's a Bastion! What are we going to do?!"

Roadhog pointed up the cliff side. There appeared to be a small path leading up.

"No! It would see us. We'd be sitting ducks!" Junkrat put his hands on his ears.

"QUIET."

The Bastion paused in its journey through the water. It looked over in the direction of their hiding place. Junkrat froze. Roadhog stopped breathing. The only sounds were that of the river.

After an eternity, the Bastion continued along its path, wading down the river.

"Whew, that was close." Junkrat said. "Another sound and we would have been scrap. . ."

Roadhog tapped him and pointed up the hill, but Junkrat paid no mind.

"Scrap. . ."

Roadhog visibly sighed.

"I'VE GOT IT!" Junkrat cried.

Roadhog was about to clamp his mouth again, but he ducked.

"I know how we can get back into Junkertown!"

Roadhog then facepalmed.

"We could kill that Bastion! Imagine, we approach it, with a brilliant battle plan. We strike! We get it! Then, we put its head. . . on a stick, and march right up to Junkertown! _We_ killed a Bastion. A whole Bastion. The Queen would have to let us in, to see the evidence, then, KABOOM! We stuff the head with explosives!" He exploded into maniacal laughter.

Junkrat then looked up at his partner. Roadhog's stare was empty devoid of any meaning. He grinned

* * *

They sneaked along the wall of the gorge, a little ways behind the war machine. Junkrat had his grenade launcher ready; Roadhog had his hook in hand. Junkrat was going to initiate the fight by launching a grenade over the Omnic, driving it their direction. Then, when it least expected, Roadhog would hook it to the side, into a nearby trap Junkrat had placed nearby. Hopefully, the steel trap was strong enough to prevent the Bastion from transforming.

Junkrat steadied himself to aim. The arch had to be just right. However, he couldn't help but be distracted by what the Omnic was doing. It casually waded down the river, but occasionally, it would pull off to the side, as if distracted by something. And. . . this Bastion was being oddly oblivious for being a war machine.

Suddenly, the Bastion stopped. Junkrat flinched back behind cover again. The Bastion let out a pattern of chirps, then held out its hand.  
Branches on the far side of the river rustled. Out came a colorful Budgie. Junkrat didn't know those even existed anymore. The bird flew a circle, then landed on the hand of the Bastion.

"Wha-"

The bird flapped and chirped. And the Bastion. . . petted its head?

"I'll be buggered. . ." Junkrat muttered, lowering his launcher entirely.

Roadhog grunted in urgency.

"That's not- that's not right." Junkrat continued. "What kind of robot-"

"Shoot." Roadhog hissed.

The bird flapped around, then landed on the shoulder of the Omnic. The Bastion hummed a merry tune.

Junkrat stepped backwards. "Maybe we should wait and see-"

As he stepped backwards, his foot hit a stray rock. He fell against the ground, and the grenade launcher clanged against the rocks. The bird squawked and flew away. The Bastion looked up, spooked, and began walking again.

"Idiot." Roadhog kicked his side, then offered a hand to help him back up.

"Uh- next time! We'll get it next time! Let's get closer to it."

They retrieved Junkrat's trap and made their way to the edge of the river, out of the rocks and into the brush. It was much harder to be quiet. Junkrat set the trap again.

"Okay, this time, I'll make a bird call to draw it over to the trap and-"

"Same plan."

"No, we'll draw it over and we'll get a better look at it-"

"Kill it."

"No! This one's acting funny. Let's find out why-" Junkrat cupped his hands around his mouth. "Ca-CAW!"

The Bastion froze. Roadhog flinched.

"IDIOT." He hissed.

"Trust me, my bird calls are expert-"

The Bastion looked over.

"Caw- ugh!"

Roadhog smacked him in the gut. The Bastion turned and began walking towards them.

"Now, to lead it towards-"

Roadhog grabbed him as the Bastion came closer. Junkrat struggled against his grasp, shaking and twisting. Suddenly, the brute let go. Junkrat sprung forward and crashed through the brush.

He felt water flowing through his hands and sand on his face. Slowly, he lifted himself up.

 _"Bwee?"_

Junkrat flinched, than froze. The Bastion was right in front of him. It towered above him, and he looked up to meet its single, blue optic.

"I don't want to die!" Junkrat immediately started crying. "Please don't kill me! I'll do whatever you want!"

The Bastion cocked its head.

"I'm sorry for wanting to kill you! It was all a big misunderstanding. . ." Sobs choked his words.

The Bastion hesitated, and Junkrat grimaced. Then, it walked back to the other side of the river. Junkrat jumped up from his position and began backing into the bush. However, the Bastion came back, so he froze. It was holding something in its hand.

The Omnic came over and held its hand out, presenting a single, green, blade of grass. Junkrat hadn't seen anything this green in a long time. It gestured it towards him.

"You want. . . me. . . to?" Junkrat slowly brought his hand out. In a quick swipe he grabbed the grass out of the Bastion's hand.

It hummed happily as Junkrat observed the plant.

"Well, cheers." Junkrat said in bewilderment. He then looked back to the bushes. "Roadhog! Come on out, ya coward."

Rustling from the bushes. Then silence. The Bastion let out a warning chirp.

"No, no. That's just my friend. Come on out!"

Slowly, from the bushes, came Roadhog. The Bastion stepped backwards at the sight.

"This, is Roadhog. And I'm Junkrat. We're friends." Junkrat said slowly to the Omnic.

"What. Are you. Doing." Roadhog said quietly.

"See? Friends." Junkrat held out his words.

The Bastion stepped forwards again.

"Now how about a handshake?" Junkrat came forward to meet it.

Slowly, he grabbed its hand. It buzzed quietly. Then he shook it up and down.

"Friends. See? Good Bastion. That's a good Bastion."

The Bastion then looked over to Roadhog. It turned and came towards him, hand extended.

"Yeah, that's it. Shake his hand." Junkrat followed, then stood beside Roadhog and whispered " _shake its hand, ya lug_."

Roadhog timidly held his hand forward. The Bastion grabbed it, repeating the same motion it had learned, shaking up and down. Roadhog quickly drew his hand back after.

"Ah HA!" Junkrat shouted and pointed to the sky. "I have tamed the fearsome Bastion!"

"Idiot." Roadhog hissed.

"No, not idiot! This Bastion follows my commands!" Junkrat gestured. "Why, we could march right into Junkertown and blow away anyone that tries to stop us!"

The Bastion, a bit confused as to what was going on, started walking down the river again, away from whoever these two were.

"No! Bad Bastion! Stay!" Junkrat shouted after it, and pointed at the ground.

The Bastion looked backwards. Junkrat ran to follow it.

"Stay, ya stupid robot! You're going to follow me back to Junkertown! We're going to blow away the Queen!"

The Bastion turned back around again.

"Yes! That's right! Follow me."

Slowly, the Omnic followed him back to where Roadhog was standing. Roadhog pulled Junkrat to the side.

"Not a good idea."

"Do you got a better one, mate?"

After a couple seconds, Roadhog let go of him.

"And we're off! The legendary duo- erm, trio," Junkrat added, looking at the Bastion, who chirped at the mention, "are off to kill the queen!"

Roadhog followed, rolling his eyes. This couldn't end well.


End file.
